A True Story From My Life.

"Clumsy," you might think; "That's hardly anything." There you go, with your graceful hands, and your easy ways. It's no stretch for you to carry things from one surface to another. Easy for you to say, you who have never broken an ironing board with a breadknife.

For the clumsy, every task becomes torturous. A quick sandwich can become a lettuce-themed ordeal lasting twenty minutes or longer. Allow me to illustrate.

Recipe for sandwich: a normal person

Make sandwich.
Eat sandwich.
Put plate in sink.

Recipe for sandwich: a clumsy person

Begin sandwich. Drop lid from peanut butter jar under counter. Pick up lid. Lid has cat hair all around rim. Go to rinse lid in kitchen sink. Knock over glass standing on side of sink. Be too slow to catch glass before it breaks on the tiles.

Shoo cat away from broken glass. Do not allow cat to meow for treat. Shut cat in other room. Find dustpan and brush.

Drop dustpan and brush on kitchen floor. Cut fingers on cut glass breaking up dustpan and brush. Swear somewhat.

Drip blood on newly clean clothes. Use kitchen sink cloth, which stinks, to dab uselessly at the blood on clothes. Find plaster in bottom kitchen drawer. Put plaster on finger. Clean up broken glass. Finish rinsing peanut-butter jar lid.

Make sandwich. Lift sandwich to mouth. Miss mouth. Drop sandwich. Be too slow to catch sandwich from falling face-down onto floor and shoes. Clean peanut butter off shoes with stinking cloth from sink. Clean peanut butter off floor with mop. Rinse mop and cloth in sink. Weep for lost sandwich.

Begin sandwich. Use only margarine as last bit of peanut butter went into the lost sandwich. Stand very carefully close to kitchen worktop, allowing nothing to come between you and plate. Hold bread very carefully between fingers.

Make sandwich. Eat sandwich. Put plate in sink.

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How Do? Magazine

This month, Bradford's cultural carrier pigeon How Do? magazine features guest artwork by your very favourite letterpress slow-coach grassroots cultural activists and mutterers, The Print Project. Those of you who don't live near enough Bratfud to get a copy can look at How Do online here.

I'm hoping to get back to blogging regularly soon, once things calm down a bit. For the time being it's impossible, but that's likely to change once summer is upon us.

And oh, in case you hear of one, I would be very glad of an all-expenses covered writing residency or fellowship in Cuba. Smashing away at the typewriter by day, rum and dancing by night. You know the sort of thing. A girl's got to have a dream...

Currently reading

We need to talk about Kevin Lionel Shriver
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