Fictions of Every Kind: Hungover & Underwhelmed

Planning is afoot for the next two Fictions of Every Kind nights.

What is Fictions of Every Kind? Well, it's a spoken word night with a DIY ethos, aimed at encouraging writers to bring and share their work, and to come and meet other writers. Every writer knows how lonely writing can be... so come and meet a bunch of other people who spend all their spare time locked in a quiet room, alternately bashing away on a computer and swearing, and making things and people up in their heads.

The next Fictions of Every Kind is on 11th January 2011, at The Library Pub in Leeds. The Library is very near the University, on Otley Road. (Make sure you come to the Library Pub, and not to the actual library. The Library Pub is the one with the bar with all the drinks in it.) It starts at 19.30, and runs till 22.30; please get down early to put your name down for the open mic. Entry is £3.

The night has a loose theme of "Hungover and Underwhelmed", but there is no need for you to stick too closely to the theme if you can't manage it.

As an added bonus, there's going to be a musical treat from 4-part vocal harmony group (BARBERSHOP QUARTET) These Men.

Fictions of Every Kind on Facebook

Hungover & Underwhelmed event page on Facebook

LETTERPRESS

A couple of months ago, I did a little 'post' about The Print Project, who have a working letterpress in the basement of the 1 in 12 Club in Bradford. Last week I went there and had 'a go' on it myself.

Here are some pictures.



In letterpress, the printing is done using typeface made of ACTUAL METAL. ACTUAL METAL that you set yourself, using ACTUAL HANDS. (I got covered in a lot of ink doing this). In the picture above, you can see the trays full of typeface bits. Above the trays, but just out of shot, there's a little card showing you which letters are in which compartments.

Apparently, once you get used to setting type, you don't need to refer to the card any more, since you get so smart about knowing where the letters are kept. This is not me.... yet. Maybe one day.



This is a line of text. Look at the little metal letters! In between each word, you insert 'spaces'; little slivers and blocks of metal that separate the letters from one another. You have to be super-careful lifting it out of the tray, otherwise the text spills all over the floor and you cry bitter tears of regret, like a big clumsy baby.



This is the line of text in 'the chase'. Its secured into place using 'furniture' (bits of wood) and then tightened up with 'quoins'. It has to go in good and tight, otherwise the letters will fall out when you put the whole shebang in the press (see above, 'crying bitter tears of regret like a big clumsy baby'.) You do not want the letters falling out. Aside from the fact it takes ages to set everything, you don't want to be scrabbling about under the machine trying to retrieve all the bits of typeface. That's like a public safety information video waiting to happen.



This is what it looks like when you set the typeface backwards, like a big bloody idiot. Ahem.




....and this is what it looks like when you do it right!

I had such good fun using the letterpress - thanks very much to Nick for showing me how it all worked, and for helping me get the chase into the machine right. I'm hoping to set some more text and print some more 'words of encouragement for writers' cards in the near future.... watch this space.

In the meantime, you can visit The Print Project on the internet.

I am having a go on one of these later...

It is a letterpress.

More later (providing I don't crush all of my fingers and thumbs in it).

"....but my idea is a guaranteed best seller!"

Welcome to the Jumble

I was at a jumble sale on Sunday. I tell you this not by way of shaming you with my glittering, exotic lifestyle, but as a prelude to boasting about one of the bargains I picked up.

Amongst the paperbacks of Carol Vorderman's How To Do Sudoku, and a cassette audio book of Women in Love, was this: a large hardback edition of the edited letters of Kingsley Amis, which would set you back over £12 on Amazon. It was hidden underneath a silk peg-bag and an old Dorothy Perkins t-shirt and I nearly didn't see it, except for that my friend Amy was rummaging impatiently through everything in an attempt to find the bargainous, and legendary, 'knit your own monkey' kit.

Amy never did get to knit her own monkey, but I did get this beast of a book, and for a pound only. A POUND! You see? Who says jumble sales are all doddery old ladies and worn-out handbags?

Fictions of Every Kind

I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that last Tuesday's Fictions of Every Kind was an unqualified runaway success. There were superb readings from Matt Bellwood, Nasser Hussein, "Dr" Sam Francis, and Mason Henry Summers. Every single reading was amazing, and all of these performers had the audience hanging off their every carefully-chosen word.

There was a set of beautiful music from the very wonderful Invisible Cities, and in addition the standard in the open mic section of the night was especially high. Who knew there were so many talented writers hiding out in Leeds?!

The next Fictions of Every Kind is planned for the 11th January 2011, with a theme of 'Hungover and Underwhelmed'. It takes place at The Library Pub in Leeds, from 7.30 - 10.30 pm, with an entry fee of £3; and if I have anything to do with it, it'll be a devil of a lot of fun.

Watch this space to find out who the guest speakers and musical act are....

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Hell is other people's music choices...

Lately, mainly because it is colder inside my house than it is outdoors (how can this be?), I've been doing a lot of writing in the local coffee shops. There are many advantages to working in a coffee shop, chief amongst which is that it is warm there, and there is no need to wear fingerless gloves while you type. There are fewer distractions in a coffee shop; your average writer is less likely to procrastinate by suddenly noticing that the skirting boards need ironing, or that there's a mucky teaspoon in the sink that needs washing up right away. In my nearest coffee shops, I can't even get an internet connection. Add to this the frequent availability of coffee and cake, and you have a recipe for excellent writer productivity. In the last week alone, I have finished six novels, eight short stories, and an hundred-line ballad written in iambic pentameter, just by dint of sitting in the nearest Costa. (Only joking.... I don't write poetry).

But srsly though coffee shops of West Yorkshire, what is UP with your music choice? A few days ago, I was rendered rampantly KILLY and ENRAGED by the abuse to which my ears were subject. Coffee shops of the world seemed to have turned to filling their stereos with CDs of pastel coloured, twinkly, no-cunt, irritatingly twee music, designed to offend nobody. There must be a special shop that sells this stuff; I imagine that only coffee shops buy it - for the love of God, I hope that nobody willingly listens to this stuff at home.

This kind of music is meant to promote a self-consciously cool, laid-back atmosphere within the environs. Recently, I've heard versions of 'Tainted Love' sung by a woman with a child's voice backed with what sounded like a music-box, 'Sweet Child O' Mine' gently tickled to death with a xylophone and an accordion, and a version of 'When Doves Cry' played in a jaunty rhythm on a Spanish guitar. I imagine the aim is to reassure your average coffee-shop customer with music with which he or she is familiar, presented in a way that promotes a kind of slow death by passivity: a sort of lift music for the post-modern ironist of the 21st Century, if you will. It's irritating and its twee, and every time I hear one of these dreadful, knowing cover versions, I am filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to punch a kitten to death. And I really like kittens.

Please, coffee shops of the local West Yorkshire area: I AM TRYING TO WRITE A NOVEL AND THIS CAR ADVERT MUSIC IS NOT HELPING.