As you may have noticed, there have been quite a few weeks' break between my last blog post and this one. Part of the reason for this is that I have been busy working on a new social networking website for writers. It'll launch in January, most likely, and here's how it'll work:
1. To join, writers apply to the website's 'social networking panel' IN WRITING. All applications must be in Times New Roman, double spaced, and with 2 inch margins. Writers who check our existing network of personalities to see whether theirs will be a good 'fit' stand a much better chance of succeeding.
2. Our reading period will be open six months a year. Applications open from 1st April until 31st October. Applications received outside of this period will be ceremonially burned to keep us warm in the winter.
3. Our turnaround time is roughly 4-5 months. All applications are catalogued and considered. We do not accept simultaneous submissions. During the consideration period writers are requested to refrain from submitting applications to other social networking sites.
4. During the consideration period, although you will not be able to gain access to lostmyplacebook.com, you are very welcome to browse the front page of our website, where pictures of our existing social network of writers who are all younger, more attractive, cleverer, and more successful than you, will slowly alternate with a picture of Martin Amis pointing his finger at you, with a caption under him that reads, "HA HA!"
4. If you have not heard from us within 4-5 months of your submission, you may assume that your application was unsuccessful. We are unable to give feedback upon any unsuccessful applications. In general reasons for rejection would come under one of the following categories:
i. There were typos / spelling mistakes in your application.
ii. We looked you up on facebook and decided we didn't like the look of you.
iii. We have enough of 'your sort' on our site already.
iv. A dead spider fell out of the envelope when we opened it.
v. There was just something indefinable about you that we didn't like.
5. Should your application to lostmyplacebook.com be rejected, we would urge you not to become discouraged. There are plenty of other social networking sites available, and it may be that you can find a place on one of those. Rejection from lostmyplacebook.com is not necessarily a comment on the value of you as a person or your work. We would like to thank you for thinking of us and wish you all the best with your social networking in the future.
Short story writer & novelist. K Blundell Trust award-winning Author, Saboteur Award winning editor (Remembering Oluwale), fiction editor at Strix Magazine. Director of the Northern Short Story Festival.
