A True Story From My Life.

"Clumsy," you might think; "That's hardly anything." There you go, with your graceful hands, and your easy ways. It's no stretch for you to carry things from one surface to another. Easy for you to say, you who have never broken an ironing board with a breadknife.

For the clumsy, every task becomes torturous. A quick sandwich can become a lettuce-themed ordeal lasting twenty minutes or longer. Allow me to illustrate.

Recipe for sandwich: a normal person

Make sandwich.
Eat sandwich.
Put plate in sink.

Recipe for sandwich: a clumsy person

Begin sandwich. Drop lid from peanut butter jar under counter. Pick up lid. Lid has cat hair all around rim. Go to rinse lid in kitchen sink. Knock over glass standing on side of sink. Be too slow to catch glass before it breaks on the tiles.

Shoo cat away from broken glass. Do not allow cat to meow for treat. Shut cat in other room. Find dustpan and brush.

Drop dustpan and brush on kitchen floor. Cut fingers on cut glass breaking up dustpan and brush. Swear somewhat.

Drip blood on newly clean clothes. Use kitchen sink cloth, which stinks, to dab uselessly at the blood on clothes. Find plaster in bottom kitchen drawer. Put plaster on finger. Clean up broken glass. Finish rinsing peanut-butter jar lid.

Make sandwich. Lift sandwich to mouth. Miss mouth. Drop sandwich. Be too slow to catch sandwich from falling face-down onto floor and shoes. Clean peanut butter off shoes with stinking cloth from sink. Clean peanut butter off floor with mop. Rinse mop and cloth in sink. Weep for lost sandwich.

Begin sandwich. Use only margarine as last bit of peanut butter went into the lost sandwich. Stand very carefully close to kitchen worktop, allowing nothing to come between you and plate. Hold bread very carefully between fingers.

Make sandwich. Eat sandwich. Put plate in sink.

Currently reading

We need to talk about KevinLionel Shriver
Shipwrecked Mishka Kubaly

How Do? Magazine

This month, Bradford's cultural carrier pigeon How Do? magazine features guest artwork by your very favourite letterpress slow-coach grassroots cultural activists and mutterers, The Print Project. Those of you who don't live near enough Bratfud to get a copy can look at How Do online here.

I'm hoping to get back to blogging regularly soon, once things calm down a bit. For the time being it's impossible, but that's likely to change once summer is upon us.

And oh, in case you hear of one, I would be very glad of an all-expenses covered writing residency or fellowship in Cuba. Smashing away at the typewriter by day, rum and dancing by night. You know the sort of thing. A girl's got to have a dream...

Currently reading

We need to talk about Kevin Lionel Shriver
Back in the world Tobias Wolff

Where to buy Cutaway Magazine

(image from Cutaway Magazine blog)

On Thursday, it was a real pleasure to come home from a busy seven hours at the day job to find the first issue of Cutaway Magazine on the doorstep. Aiming to "blur the boundaries between literary and genre fiction", the magazine publishes work by writers and poets who write "the slightly weird but well written". There aren't many British magazines publishing high-quality work that treads the narrow line between genre and speculative fiction. Editors Dave Schofield and Craig Pay have identified a much-maligned gap there, and I take my hat off to them.

The first issue contains one of my stories, I Want You Around, as well as work by Claire Massey and Max Dunbar.

Cutaway magazine is available through Lulu here and, should you wish to order it through a book shop, the ISBN is 9781471647758.

Publication, soon!

I'm breaking my blogging hiatus to make a pleasing announcement. A new short story of mine, I Want You Around, is shortly to appear in issue 1 of Cutaway Magazine. The magazine will also feature a story by the extremely marvellous Claire Massey.

You can read about the inspiration for the story, as well as poet Lauren Coulson's contribution to the magazine, on the Cutaway blog here. The magazine should be out in a couple of weeks. (more details on the launch event to follow!)

Currently reading

All My Friends are Superheroes Andrew Kaufman
The Sense of an Ending Julian Barnes

Mrr-OWWW!

Recently, I haven't had time to keep this blog updated. This is probably going to carry on being true for the next few months. I am a very busy lady, more often by accident than by design as I am the sort of person who can't stop herself getting involved in things. At the moment I have very little free time, and what free time I do have needs to go on writing, rather than blogulating. I'm sure the writers among you will empathise.

In between now and the next time, please feel free to enjoy this picture of a nice cat.

Affordable, co-operatively run writers' retreat

Having spent several days looking at writing retreats on the internet, I've come to a realisation: church-mouse poor writers like me don't get to go on writing retreats. Most of the ones I've seen look lovely, and fancy, and they all cost too much. Since I haven't yet written a best-seller, I've decided that the only thing for it is to have a go at organising a writing retreat myself. This way, I figure, it should be cheaper, and more fun.

Being of the self-organised mindset myself, the retreat will be co-operatively run. I'll take the responsibility for booking the bunk-house, and for giving everybody the information beforehand, but I won't be "in charge" once we're on the retreat. Everybody will take responsibility for their share of the cooking/housework rota, and for organising their own day. The retreat will probably be of particular interest to anybody who's used to being involved in organising things in a collective way. That's not to say you can't come if you've never done things in that way before - but if you haven't, you will need to be prepared for the fact that this retreat will demand more of you than a more expensive, professionally-organised retreat.

Everyone coming will need to commit to taking part in the housework and shared cooking rota, and to organising their own time once at the retreat. The idea is that there will be agreed 'quiet work times' during the day, and agreed 'social time'. Aside from sticking to those, you will be welcome to organise your time as you need to. The retreat will likely take place somewhere in the Yorkshire Dales National Park, so there will be plenty of scope for long walks and soaking up the beauty.

Please have a look at the idea so far. Some details can't be confirmed until I know who will be coming, but please have a look and see what you think.

The group We'll need a group of between 6-8 writers to make it workable. This many people is a nice number for a cottage or bunkhouse, and should make the housework rota fair.

When & for how long For 2 weeks, some time in the 6-week summer holidays between 16th July and September 3rd 2012 (exact dates yet to be confirmed).

How it'll work Everyone will have their own working space, though some people may need to share a room. There will be agreed quiet 'working times' during the day, and agreed 'social times'. There won't be any exercises or work-sharing, unless that is what people want. Everyone will have to take part in the housework / cooking rota, with everybody doing at least one days' cooking and perhaps also half a days' tidying or food-shopping a week. This should give everybody at least 11 days' solid uninterrupted writing time during the retreat.

How much it'll cost The aim is to keep the price of accommodation under £300 for the fortnight (cheaper, if we can manage it). There will also be the price of ingredients for shared food (which will hopefully come in at under £100 per person for the whole fortnight), and the cost of getting there.

Conditions for coming You can come if you need a writing retreat. You must be committed to taking part in the cooking / house-work rota, and to having some say in how the retreat should work. This retreat will probably particularly appeal to people interested in organising things in a collective / DIY way.

How to express your interest If you're interested in coming along on this retreat, please either email me on s dot j dot bradley (at) hotmail dot com, or find me on twitter (via the tweet-deck link on the left hand side of the page).

Currently reading

The Heart of the Matter Graham Greene

Hop hop

I realised the other day that this blog has been terribly serious and hair-shirt lately. So here's a picture of a bunny rabbit in a tank top.