Scientists at Newcastle University have created, for the first time, synthetic sperm from stem cells, in so doing achieving what buffoons have wanted for many years: to render men theoretically redundant. In light of this scientific breakthrough, a slew of reactionary articles celebrating the "end" of mankind have been wasting my time on the internet. "Yes, let's get rid of them!" they trill, in a whimsical, faux-amusing fashion. "They always leave their wet towels on the bed anyway."
Let me tell you, readers, that I'm exactly as humourless about articles that propose getting rid of men as I am about articles that castigate female celebrities for going out without washing their hair. Men are brilliant, and a world without them would be rubbish, for the following reasons.
1. I love cock. There, I've said it.
2. A world without men would be the sort of place that had no such thing as Elvis Costello, James Gandolfini, Charlie Brooker, Graham Linehan, or Terry Wogan, and who wants that? I'll tell you who. IDIOTS.
3. Yes, I know we're proposing getting rid of men that come hereafter and not the ones we have currently, but that means getting rid of all future possible Elvis Costelloes, James Gandolfinis, Charlie Brookers, Graham Linehans, and Terry Wogans. This would be stupid and rubbish and anyone who thinks it is still a good idea can come and meet me in the car park after work for a dust-up. See, women can aggressive too!
4. A lot of them can make me laugh.
5. Some of them are very sensitive and thoughtful. I have even heard that some of them can dance a bit.
6. Men, (as well as women, don't think I'm negating the work of women here, fact-nazis) have always done lots of good work like naming stars, splitting atoms, writing books, inventing vacuum-cleaners, and bringing me a cup of tea in bed. Long may it continue.
So we're all agreed then! A world without men would be spectacularly rubbish and boring. Let's put the whole issue to bed and move on, shall we?