I've been thinking a lot lately about cunts, and when I say that, I'm not talking about that awful woman with a voice like Mars Attacks who sits next to me at work, talking about her boyfriend all day. No, I'm talking about actual lady's cunts. Yours and mine, and everyone's we know.
I've noticed lately that advertisers are doing their damnedest to fan women's insecurities about their lady-parts to try and flog us all new products. These are products aimed at pubic grooming, everybody, so don't get squeamish - everybody loves a well-looked after pussy, after all.
Thanks to all the fighting that our mums and grandmas did (thanks mum, thanks grandma) we ladies are now in the fortunate position of being able to choose whether we want to rock a full-on 70s-style bush, or a smartly-waxed Hollywood, without anybody criticising us for our choices. That's one of the array of choices that you get to make as a modern woman. (Not quite as important as deciding whether you want to train as an engineer, a mechanic, or a teacher, but hey).
I could just about stand it when it was Gillette trying to flog a razor specifically aimed at trimming women's pubic hair. As far as I can see, Gillette developing a razor aimed specifically at women's bikini lines is essentially the same as when Rowntree's started marketing Kit Kat Bites in a bag: it's a superfluous new product that doesn't do anything your old razor / normal Kit Kat didn't do. Only difference is that there's a new advertising campaign to go with it.
So much for the 'special' razors. But earlier on today, my ire was stoked during a commercial break during Friends (and you all know how much I love Friends), when I saw an advert for FemFresh, a new product which coyly describes itself as being "specially developed to cleanse and refresh the most sensitive area of your body". This is no good on two counts. For one thing, agony aunts for time immemorial (thanks Just 17, thanks Mizz) have been urging teenage girls not to wash their cunts with soap. All together now: it upsets the delicate balance of your innards, and gives you thrush. Secondly, why be so coy? Just say what you mean, guys: "Come on lady, your cunt is disgusting. Sort it out."
Who in their right mind thinks any cunt is disgusting? Fannies are a thing of great beauty. Surely everybody knows that. They come in all shapes, all sizes, all colours, and every last one of them is a smasher. All of them have a unique beauty, and they can bring you great pleasure. If there's one lesson I can give you today, it's to learn to love your cunt, just as it is.